The biggest enemy of my fears
Do you have fears?
What is your biggest fear?
What are you afraid of?
These questions have come to me more often in recent months in various situations, and moved myself to write this article.
When I’ve heard them first, I had to think about the topic even longer. There was one thing that kept me very busy back then, but it wasn‘t a real “fear”:
I didn‘t felt doing enough work, and when I wasn’t working I had a problem to enjoy the other activities. (There will be an article about this soon also).
So, let’s get back to the fears – which I don‘t have.
“How can you have no fears”?
Today I would answer:
With a sufficient self-confidence.
But this answer is not enough, because if I also explain which other factors still play a role and played, you understand it certainly better and are able to take more for yourself. I would like to comment on the following points:
- Near-death experiences
- Family and friends
- The body
- Worst-case scenario
- And finally: The self-confidence
The near death experiences:
I am fortunate enough to have jumped away from death twice.
Once it was very close to a serious blood poisoning (3 hours later and I would not be able to write anything here); and once I had driven through a bend with a motorcycle a bit untalented and without the guardrail post I would not be sitting here also.
These two experiences have shown me that our lives are very fragile. If you ignore the “wonder” of man and his existence, which is already a big thing for itself, life can come very quickly with big changes to you. These can effect one’s own as well as the health of loved ones. This fragility shows me that I want to do something with my life that makes me feel fulfilled and happy.
And for me, this is also independent of age!
And if the changing circumstances are so serious that we can not “save” anything anymore, we are powerless anyway and have to “accept” death.
And here comes the beautiful effect of it. (Yes, that sounds funny, I know).
Should we or others jump off death, then we will continue to live. So there is a reason to continue learning, growing, meeting other people, helping other people and exploring the world.
If we or others can not make the jump, either a new section comes – or nothing at all.
It may sound a little hard. And the loss of another person is not easy, but it is not inevitable. Each one of us will hand over his body to the desired funeral method.
The challenge is therefore:
Enjoy every moment you have with him (your body) and the others around you. When you become conscious, the „fear of death“ is no longer an issue. Death loses its “terror”.
What is success for you?
The first time a very difficult question – and the answer may change over time. Therefore, it makes sense to ask this question over and over again, whether what you are doing corresponds to your answer.
And what happens when your answer to the question, your success, comes up?
Will you be satisfied?
Will you stop progessing whatever then?
I don’t think so. You’ll probably see a new goal where you want to measure your success again.
You don’t think so?
Then let’s go back a little to see if we can shake your view:
When you were a child, you wanted to do XX things. You wanted to master the 1×1, ride a bike, build the Lego castle, hit the high score in video games, ensnare a classmate, etc.
Many of these successes have been achieved, some simple, some with much effort. But you did not stop. And now you are looking for something else – maybe even a way to be free of fears?
If you have achieved your success, so comes the next in the field of vision. It will always be like this.
Conclusion of this could be:
Your achieved achievements are feeling good and showing you that you can achieve your goals.
Your next achievements are already waiting and are definitely achievable.
So please write down three good reasons why you should be more concerned with “not achieving” your success than by achieving your success.
I’m curious what your „fear of failure“ will say to your three writings.
Money has always been an issue for me. I grew up in modest financial circumstances, but with many good values. My first job as a “newspaper boy” I started at the age of 14. Then I started with 15/16 as an online editor, with 16 in the training as an professional electrician; then high-school degree, studying, 5-6 years marketing agency and finally online coach. Now I’m 32, so I’ve spent more than half my life working to make some money. Since I left my parents house with 21, I usually listed and planned my incomes and costs in Excel spreadsheets constantly.
The feeling of not having money, being in debt or being unable to afford a variety of things has been a constant companion for a long time. Not knowing exactly if the money is enough and what the “future” looks like is a great emotional burden for me.
So, what could I do to defeat the “fear of poverty”?
Sounds very dry, especially for me as a rather practical and technical person. But fine, if I can get rid of this stone from the heart, why shouldn‘t I try? Who tells me that I can not be successful with it?
So one of my goals, my successes, was to put on a good cushion.
If I get unemployed from one day to the next, or maybe my business fails, I have enough to live normally for at least 12, rather 18 months, and start a new life/business. This money will not be touched, invested or listed anywhere. It’s just for my peace of mind.
How much you need for this „peace“ is certainly different. It went with me that I never made a lot of money, so that there was little debt and that I had already reduced my monthly costs in the course of financial education. Try to follow this easy four steps for it:
Reduce costs – pay off debt – build up cushion – be more free.
In one of the books that I read then, the sum of 10-20k Euro was called. Extrapolated with my monthly expenses for accommodation, food and insurance, this fits very well. So the chance of falling into poverty is closer to 0 than to 100, so I’m not scared of poverty anymore.
Family and friends:
“Are not you afraid to die lonely”?
Nope, I am not.
I’m not lonely at the moment. I have very good friends who are always there for me.
I have a family that is getting older but with whom I do not feel lonely also.
“Yes, but when you grow old”?
Hmmm, so I’m having a hard time now and for the next 40 years to see if I’m getting old lonely or not?
Then I’m out, sorry. That’s too far in the future and I’d rather enjoy it now and what I have than keeping my mind busy with this concern.
“What about unwanted children”?
For me a topic, because I know since my youth that I don’t want own children.
Suprisingly I did never see it as a fear till other people descriped it as one of their own to me.
What has to happen, so that we get unwanted children?
The miracle of life has to be beamed through a condom or it must avoid the woman’s prevention – or better, both.
Yes, there are cases in which both have been prevented and pregnancy has occurred.
But I do not consider this possibility in my life. Everything in me says “no!”. And I clearly communicate this with every sexual partner before it happens. Therefore, I am sure that I will not unintentionally become a father.
Confident or crazy? I think confident.
But I understand that here also a little of the comfort separates from the fear. For example we can go an extra round:
Should you have the vas deferens severed, so that you can enjoy unprotected sex with non-preventing ladies? (In general, one should choose his partners of course well and exclude illnesses and talk about it, that’s just part of it for me).
No option for you and still afraid of unwanted children?
You would like to have children later? Sperm freezing costs about 20-30 euros a month. The price for your carefree mind … (But please also remember that artificial insemination is not a major benefit for every woman …).
Still not enough?
Then you should do your utmost to prevent and only have sex with people who could also be a potential parent. Clearly that reduces the choice, but should also calm your mind tremendously.
“Aren‘t you afraid to be unloved”?
Oh! I was loved. And I loved. And I am loved. And I love.
At the age of 18/19 I lived a year with physical heartbreak. My “big love” and I parted, it was really hard for me. But a looking back a wonderful experience:
That emotions and feelings can trigger something like that in me still fascinates me – and even if it sounds hard, I would like each person to experience it once. It overhauls the thinking about love, about the affection for other people – for me in retrospect to something very positive.
And who do I love today?
There would be a very special person as the untouchable number one. Of course the person has its rough edges, but I’m constantly learning to handle it better. For me definitely a life-long task, since I’m writting about:
The saying “love yourself, then others can love you too” is very much the case. With sufficient self-love, you become a wonderful person. And who does not like to surround himself with someone like that?
And where do I get love?
There are my best friends, all of whom have been with me for more than 10 years. So they know me from “little on” till today and are still at my side. If there’s not love behind it, then I do not know what you call it.
You do not have good friends now? If you love yourself and look around, you will find them. Solid friendship does not develop in a few months. If you want to know more, feel free to see this article.
“What is when you get sick”?
As with almost every one of these “anxiety questions”, there is a fitting but lax saying:
“What does not kill us, makes us harder.”
Maybe we should call it “more experienced”.
I can assure you from my own experience that there are very shitty diseases that can tie you to your bed for months/years and make your life very sad. Not to forget the psychological consequences afterwards or even while it happens.
But I am here writing this wonderful article about my fearless life. The illnesses we have lived through, showed us again and again that the body has a lot of self-healing powers. I enjoy using them and controlling my health with my thoughts.
The circumstances/diseases that I can not change are usually let in by something in me on the first place. So they signal that something is not fitting or should be adjusted – listening is then very important. How it all works? A very complex topic and nothing for this article, but definitely interesting.
“And the really threatening illnesses/health impairments”?
I trust in conventional medicine, as it is currently the fastest way not to die or suffer permanent damage. I have a health insurance for it – like most people.
However, I do not go to the doctor for a cold. I give the body a bit more rest than usual, add extra nutritious and nutritious food and maybe even take one or the other tablet. Doesn‘t it go away after some time – conventional medicine!
Does the bowel cause problems that I did not feel before?
Do I stupid walking and have a big foot or even a piece of bone is looking out?
Do I have an incurable disease and will die soon?
The first two I solve with what?
Exactly – conventional medicine.
And the last case I connect now with the article part of the near-death experience – and in addition to that the conventional medicine. Every second is worth living, every moment something special, for which I am very grateful. Traditional medicine will provide an analysis, I will get a window of opportunity and then decide if I should just spend some more time with my sweethearts, or if I use my financial cushion to try out other ways of medicine.
But it does not create fear in me.
I have dealt with it enough and formed my opinion.
The fear of uncertainty has disappeared. Knowledge makes (fear) -free.
This point actually attacks exactly where the body part ends.
A worst-case scenario is the worst thing in a certain scenario that can happen. It will result from your own opinion and point of view on the certain scenario/topic. Here is a general question about every possible fear you can ask yourself now in this moment:
Ask yourself if you were scared with this fear when you were born.
I do not think so…
Where did the fear come from, what happened, and how awful was it really?
(Obviously it wasn’t deadly 😉 )
And here are four more questions whose results you can write down now. Take your time!
- What is the worst thing that can happen to you in general?
Really, or can it not be a little more worse? Think about it again.
- And what is the worst thing that can happen to you in connection with a fear of yours?
- What are the long-term consequences when this “worst-case” enters?
- What has to happen so that it will enter?
If you ask yourself these four questions and write down the answers, you will have dealt a little further with your fears. You will formulate an opinion on it and recognize in many cases that neither your life, nor your professional, family or financial existence is really threatened. Your knowledge makes it easier for you to handle it. (“Danger recognized, danger banished”)
Many of the fears we think of as “normal” and “everyday” rob us of a lot of energy. Some of these fears are shared by a majority of the population, others are more specific.
“To be afraid is normal”!
And does it make it better?
I don’t think so and prefer a fearless life. If someone confirms your fear, there is someone who does not. Search for the second type instead of the first.
What’s this about?
Many of the other mentioned points are very rationally explained by me. They seem very calculated and classified. Maybe even sometimes “easy-going”, “from above” or „arrogant“.
But that is only possible because I have gone through these experiences and reached the level I am at.
I would like to give an example of motorcycling here, because I think it fits in well and has integrated into my life, many many years before I even considered my relationship to fears or changed my lifestyle to traveling.
It’s about the “survival instincts”, the “panic reactions” that we automatically perform when riding a motorcycle in difficult or dangerous situations. This can lead from the wrong point of focus, to cramping up on the handles to unnecessary braking and an awful/harmful fall.
As a driver, being able to control these reactions will make you feel better, more secure, and more self-confident.
You will find detailed information in the movie “The Twist of the Wrist II” on YT and Vimeo from minute 11. (If you are a using a two wheels vehicle, you should definetly watch the whole movie and bring it into practice).
This “self-programming” can also be transferred to other areas of life. But without training, we will not progress here either. So give it training and time to become controlled and automatic!
The final boss – the self-confidence:
Now we come to the last point of the list. The self-confidence.
1. Ask yourself, what contributes most to your self-confidence.
2. Ask yourself, who confirms you in these points.
3. And then ask yourself who does not confirm you on these points.
My recommendation is a bit rough, but only you can implement it and there will not be an “angel” or “wizard” to help you:
1. Focus more on the things that boost your self-confidence.
2. Spend more time with the people who drive you in your self-confidence.
3. Do not spend any time with the other people who pull your self-confidence down.
No, not “yeah, but!”.
That’s exactly what I meant by “rough” in the beginning. There are no excuses here and no shortcuts.
– Your boss pulls you down and keeps you small but you need the job?
I think the same job is also available elsewhere. Maybe with less pay, maybe 10km further away, but without a person who keeps you small. But only you can, and must, implement the change.
– But I like my „friends“ so much, even if they break me down – and I do not want to be alone.
On the opposite – why do they like you? Who will like you when you have a healthy self-confidence? You do not really believe that a self-confident and satisfied person stays alone for a long time, don’t you? …
– I do not have time to go to the gym, I can not learn the language, I can‘t see spiders, etc..
At this point I would like to reiterate that we are talking about self-confidence – here is “I can not“ unfortunately not the point to pick…
What are the problems of self-confidence?
If you get it wrong, it can be arrogant. Not so cool ; )
If you are very self-confident, but not using common sense, you can overestimate yourself and inflict damage on yourself and others … so start your brain and use it!
What are the advantages of a healthy self-confidence?
You really like yourself and feel comfortable in your company. This makes you relatively independent of other people, so you can be good alone if you have to – or want to.
You know that you have certain attributes and are able focus on them to build your strengths.
There are many good events in your life, you enjoy the moment and yourself – this attracts other people and makes you feel good.
What you do and start works. This will give you a good feeling in your decisions and the necessary confidence in success. There is no room for unnecessary fears because the successes are waiting.
The connection to your emotions will not die through a fearless life. But through a fearless life there is more room for other emotions, positive emotions. Which can then be linked with other thoughts for other purposes.
I know that there are many people whom can not “defeat” their fears, and for those people this is probably not very helpful. I am not a psychologist and I do not describe this as a universal prescription.
For me it was about listing in this article which steps and experiences have made me fearless. Many of the readers will benefit from it, hopefully you as well.
All the steps that I have listed have grown and evolved over many many years. Do not expect to be able to change everything within hours or days. But if you bite in, you will achieve it 🙂
Thank you for your interest!
Lately I found this video and I wanted to add it. It fits the topic nicely and easy understandable. Have fun watching!